Thanks For The Call...

I received a call from my older brother last night. That in itself is not unusual. We talk every few weeks. Usually our discussion are focused on the growing concerns of my parents aging and medical needs. Often the discussions are very matter-of-fact. Concerns are raised and acknowledged. Frustrations are vented, and courses of action are determined.

That's not the call I had last night.

After the initial exchange of pleasantries we had a long chat. We talked about our families, about being our age (halfway to 90), and everything that we don't normally talk about. Hobbies, vacations and where my nephews are thinking about going to college. Only after we had talked for some time did I mention the status of parents, and the plans for the next few weeks. I think I did it as a matter of habit rather than something needing to be discussed. I'm pretty sure that's not why he called.

When my parents medical issues became a very present part of everyday life, I changed. My wife has confirmed that I'm more serious, less tolerant and easier to anger than I was before. I think that might be because seeing your parents age is like looking in a mirror. You know that you are watching what in all likelihood will be your own path. That some care-taking might slow or forestall some of the aging process, but that eventually something is going to get you.

But that's not the point I'm trying to make. That's just the back story.

When the perfect storm of medical disasters hit two years ago, all of my siblings came together to help manage the way through the crisis. As time went on, there were times of agreement, and that of disagreement, on how to manage the way forward. My parents are not what most would consider compliant people. They often made things more difficult through their actions. And this often made managing the process harder for everyone involved. There were open disagreements amongst my brothers and sister, and occasional voice raising. I think that there was genuine fear that this process was going to take its toll on our relationships. That eventually this process would serve to drive us apart.

Two years later, and we are still managing the lives of non-compliant adults to the best of our ability. I was wrong about being driven apart. This experience in some ways has served to do the opposite. It has opened up communication that didn't exist before. I talk to my siblings now more than I have since we were children. It's true that many of these conversations are initiated because decisions need to be made on medical care, but I think that a door has been opened that will stay open after those decisions are no longer necessary.

So the call I got from my brother got me thinking. Thinking about how lucky I am to have the siblings that I have. Thinking about what wonderful husbands and wives they have, and what great kids they have raised and continue to raise. Thinking that what could have broken us apart, seems to have further cemented a bond.

Thanks for the call Joe.

- ND