The wisdom of M.

As you probably already know, I've been working to introduce fitness into my life. I've never been a fitness person, so creating a lifestyle that involves intentional activity is a totally new experience. Again, as you probably already know, I've have found this experience to be both rewarding and frustrating. One of the most rewarding experiences I owe to M.

Due to a variety of circumstances, I did some rearranging in my closet last night. Because the seasons are changing the timing was perfect for a wardrobe shift.

Several weeks back M. pulled a few bins from our basement storage that contained some blue jeans and other clothes that I had apparently stored away because they no longer fit. I had completely forgotten about storing them.

I'm not sure, but it is possible that I intentionally erased that memory. These things were stored because they no longer fit. My expanding body required me to move several sizes in the wrong direction.

About a week ago, when the bins first made an appearance, I did a cursory fitting. I was surprised that the sizes that were too small when I stored them were now very close to the correct size. In some cases the stored items tended to be a little large. Somehow I managed to shrink down past most of the sizes I had honestly thought I'd never wear again.

Last night I tried on all of the shorts that were packed away. Everything fit perfectly or was slightly loose. I can save a trip to the store to purchase summer wear and do some shopping in my closet this year. This is not only great financially, but a huge boost to my motivation. My scale isn't showing the numbers I'd expect, but that bin of clothes is speaking volumes on transformation.

So this post goes out to M. The person who rightly suggested storing away some things while I was on my journey from husky to portly. Somehow she must have known that I'd hit the wall and decide to start a lifestyle that brought me closer to my ideal build.

Thanks sweetie. You're the best.

- ND

On 100 Days...

I got a text from M. the other day congratulating us on achieving 100 days smoke free. I guess it's a milestone, but honestly it seems like it's been longer. I really don't think about the days or weeks. It's a part of my life that is in the past and for that I'm happy.

I'm so removed from smoking at this point that I really don't think about it often. I can't say "never", as there have been moments where my mind wandered and I thought about a smoke, but the desire isn't there. I also know how much better I feel, and that I have made a commitment to myself that I will not break.

Thanks to everyone for their support and well wishes. The next milestone is a year. That one I might celebrate.

- ND

Thinking Differently About the Plateau...

In a recent post I complained that the effort I had put into exercise hadn't been generating the gains that I was hoping for. The scale wasn't telling me the numbers that I expected, and I was irritated by that fact. Over the last weeks, I have taken a different view of my progress. A view that probably makes more sense then the readout on a digital scale.
 
I've probably already explained why I started exercising, but in case you missed it...I started exercising because I quit smoking, and because I realized that I had hit certain age milestones.

As it turns out, I quit smoking without adding food as  a subliminal smoking replacement. Which is great, and played perfectly into the second reason I started. General health and weight loss.

So I started this process with a goal. I was going to be a certain weight. My Fitbit offered to monitor and provide status on weight as a fitness goal. Now I had targets and tracking tools. My plan was coming together.

When M. and I acquired the Fitbit scale I was thrilled. This device would continually inform me of my progress. What's not to love? Technology was going to help me keep on track and motivate me to meet my goals. The scale would be the ultimate judge of my success.

Wrong.

As it turned out, the scale was anything but motivational. The scale turned out to be practically sysiphusian. What was the point of all of this effort if the numbers never moved. It was downright disheartening.

That's when I began to notice something... Some change comes so gradually that you don't see it. It's like the tale of the frog in the kettle.

...That a frog will immediately jump out of a kettle of boiling water, but if the if the water is warmed slowly enough the frog won't jump out. And yes... I know it just an old cautionary tale and not true, but the message works...

I didn't notice, that while I was fretting over numbers, that other less obvious changes were occurring. That my mirrors were telling me a different story than my scale. I may not have been losing mass, but clearly I had been redistributing and transforming it. I can see the changes, and I can certainly feel them. What was frustration has become motivation.

The scale will be allowed to stay, but its role has been changed.

- ND

The Big Conversion...

My lack of recent posting is due to a large project I've been working on. I have had plenty of free time to write, just not the focus to think about something else enough to write about it.

My project is an upgrade to our companies business system. I have been working on this project for a very long time. On and off for a couple of years at least. As you might guess, there have been a variety of hurdles that delayed the project and even caused a few restarts. Somehow... we managed to finally arrive at cut-over.

I'll be working this weekend on the conversion, so perhaps as I'm watching the status bars slowly move, I'll find something interesting to write about.

We shall see.

- ND

The Plateau...

I've reached a plateau and I'm frustrated.

If you are a regular reader you already know that I purchased a Fitbit and started walking. Most of the walking has been at the mall, but last Sunday was an unusually beautiful day for February and I walked 8.5 miles in my subdivision.

I'm motivated for success. M. is encouraging me, and I'm feeling great.

I'm not accustomed to exercise and dieting. I'm lucky I'm not gigantic considering my disdain of purposeful exertion. I never monitored calories, or turned down an offer of super-sizing. How I managed to avoid obesity I know not.

Suddenly I'm excited to exercise. I drink lots of water. I take the stairs. Who is this guy?

Now the bad news... I seem to have reached a plateau.

Because I have so little experience in exercise and healthy habits, I'm frustrated by my inability to crash through barriers. 

I have gotten good advice from my friends who are "fitness people". They say things like... stay the course... muscle weighs more than fat... mix your routine with cardio and strength training... bla bla bla... Yeah I get it. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon. Somehow, knowing that doesn't make it any less frustrating.

I'll get there.

- ND

What Death Teaches About Life...

Last Saturday I attended a funeral mass for a friends mother. I hadn't seen my friends mother for a very long time. I'm not sure that she would have recognized or remembered me.

Her mass was packed wall to wall. There must have been 500 people at mass that Saturday morning. I couldn't help but think that this woman had touched many lives.

After a homily that included many wonderful stories about her life, two eulogies were given. One was from a close friend, and the other was from a person who was a member of a organization where my friends mother volunteered. Both eulogies were funny and gave a good insight into her life. They didn't overplay the good and ignore the bad, they humanized her, and that was refreshing.

As we were leaving the after mass gathering, I turned to M. and said...

You know what I was thinking, I was thinking that I really haven't done much with my life. M. responded, that she had been thinking the same thing about herself.

In contrast to the life that my friends mother had led... one filled with volunteer work and devotion to her family and church. I felt that I had accomplished little.

Over the last week I have had the opportunity to think about this more. What I believe, is that perhaps everyone has a different way of giving. We are not all volunteers. We are not all parents or parishioners. We give in the way we are comfortable with, and it isn't always measurable in time, or value against the deeds of others.

What if being a good husband, brother or friend is all I accomplish?

Perhaps that is enough.

- ND

49 Days...

M. pointed out this morning that we are now 7 weeks smoke free.

I have moments periodically where I think about a smoke. I wouldn't really call it a pang, or an urge, so much as just a thought.

This is what those thoughts are like...

For the last 2 years we have rented a house in the Florida Keys for a late season vacation with friends. Our friends have been generous enough to let M. and I stay in the master suite, which has a lovely covered balcony.

Here's a look at the view

As M. and I were both smokers the balcony was a perfect place to step outside and partake without having to wander down to the main floor to go outside. As the only smokers on the trip this was an ideal arrangement for us.

One of the highlights of the vacation was waking up in the morning before the sunrise. I spent every morning in a chair on the balcony waiting for the sun to come up. I'm not a morning person, but being in this beautiful place makes you want to experience every sunrise.

Here's an example of a sunrise from the balcony.

I was normally the first person awake, so I went to the kitchen and brewed a pot of coffee. I brought my coffee up to the balcony, had a smoke and savored the coffee, while waiting for the sun to creep up over the water. This whole process is pure enjoyment, and an experience that I wish I could repeat every day for the rest of my life.

So let me circle back to the original point...

As a non-smoker, I think about the activities that I enjoyed while I was a smoker, and ask myself if I will enjoy those activities as much now that I don't smoke. If I'm lucky enough to sit on that balcony again in the future, coffee in hand and waiting for the sun to rise over the ocean, will it be less enjoyable without the cigarette? Was the cigarette an important part of the experience?

It is a silly question really. I know that everything I do as a non-smoker is better than before. I also know that the thing of beauty was the sunrise, and that sipping a cup of coffee on a balcony in paradise doesn't require a cigarette to be complete. Yet my mind continues to ask if that is true. If the absence of the cigarette lessens the experience.

I'm not sure if that describes the pangs or urges that everyone who has quit encounters, or if this is unique to me. What I know is that I am winning the battle with my addiction. That 7 weeks have passed, and no experience has been less enjoyable because I failed to smoke.

Most importantly... I hope that not smoking will enable me to have many more visits to the balcony for coffee and beautiful sunrises.

- ND

Fitbit Update...

Yesterday, for the first time,  I hit all of my Fitbit goals.

I'm committed to a new healthier lifestyle and the Fitbit is proving to be a valuable tool in motivating the behaviors that will be instrumental in that change.

Thanks to M. for recommending we purchase the Fitbits. She also supported the decision to quit smoking, which more than paid for the Fitbit's over the last 40 days.

- ND

Thanks For The Call...

I received a call from my older brother last night. That in itself is not unusual. We talk every few weeks. Usually our discussion are focused on the growing concerns of my parents aging and medical needs. Often the discussions are very matter-of-fact. Concerns are raised and acknowledged. Frustrations are vented, and courses of action are determined.

That's not the call I had last night.

After the initial exchange of pleasantries we had a long chat. We talked about our families, about being our age (halfway to 90), and everything that we don't normally talk about. Hobbies, vacations and where my nephews are thinking about going to college. Only after we had talked for some time did I mention the status of parents, and the plans for the next few weeks. I think I did it as a matter of habit rather than something needing to be discussed. I'm pretty sure that's not why he called.

When my parents medical issues became a very present part of everyday life, I changed. My wife has confirmed that I'm more serious, less tolerant and easier to anger than I was before. I think that might be because seeing your parents age is like looking in a mirror. You know that you are watching what in all likelihood will be your own path. That some care-taking might slow or forestall some of the aging process, but that eventually something is going to get you.

But that's not the point I'm trying to make. That's just the back story.

When the perfect storm of medical disasters hit two years ago, all of my siblings came together to help manage the way through the crisis. As time went on, there were times of agreement, and that of disagreement, on how to manage the way forward. My parents are not what most would consider compliant people. They often made things more difficult through their actions. And this often made managing the process harder for everyone involved. There were open disagreements amongst my brothers and sister, and occasional voice raising. I think that there was genuine fear that this process was going to take its toll on our relationships. That eventually this process would serve to drive us apart.

Two years later, and we are still managing the lives of non-compliant adults to the best of our ability. I was wrong about being driven apart. This experience in some ways has served to do the opposite. It has opened up communication that didn't exist before. I talk to my siblings now more than I have since we were children. It's true that many of these conversations are initiated because decisions need to be made on medical care, but I think that a door has been opened that will stay open after those decisions are no longer necessary.

So the call I got from my brother got me thinking. Thinking about how lucky I am to have the siblings that I have. Thinking about what wonderful husbands and wives they have, and what great kids they have raised and continue to raise. Thinking that what could have broken us apart, seems to have further cemented a bond.

Thanks for the call Joe.

- ND

Readership...

Last night, a person I was with said... you haven't posted in days.

Initially I disagreed. I was sure it hadn't been days. I was confident it had been only yesterday that I had written something.  

I was wrong. Days had passed since I last wrote. 

So what do you do when you realize you have an audience? Post more? Post less? Create more meaningful posts? Become paralyzed with fear because someone is reading.

These are the concerns of a sometime blogger. If I write, will anyone read? If I write, should anyone read? If they read, what will they think? Should I care? Why don't they comment with their thoughts and engage in a dialog? Did I write something that would merit that?

Because of this I will continue to write. For what it's worth... I wrote this for the reader. The reader who noticed that I hadn't written. The person who decided to spend a few minutes of their personal time reading what I posted. The same person who then took the time to mention that I hadn't posted. 

This post is for you. Thanks for reading.

- ND

Hometown Hero...

Today's Wikipedia featured article is about Stan Musial. 

I'm hometown proud.

It will be gone tomorrow, so here's a link to the page:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stan_Musial

- ND

Deep Thoughs Thursday...

I ran across a quote today that I couldn't help but share. 

"If those whom we begin to love could know us as we were before meeting them … they could perceive what they have made of us."

- Albert Camus

These Boots Weren't Made For Walkin...

Three days into my return to walking, I appear to have suffered an injury.

Here's what happened:

After deciding to resume my walking program I stopped in at the mall to scope the place out. The word on the street was that the mall had taken a downward turn and was a bit dicey. I didn't find that to be the case, and since I was already there, I proceeded to walk a single lap on the first day.

I returned on day two with the intent of ratcheting up one lap per visit until I hit 5 laps per session. The loop is nearly a mile, so adding a lap per visit until I reach 5 laps would get me quickly to my goal of 5 miles a day or better.This was day 2, and I hadn't really done much to prepare except put a radio app on my phone and get a pair of ear buds. That's where lack of planning hurts.

While the shoes I wear to the office are not what someone would consider dress shoes, they are also not walking shoes. Somehow in my planning I had forgotten to put walking shoes in the car.

Not one to be stopped by lack of planning, I walked twice in shoes that clearly offered little support. 

Yesterday I noticed that my foot hurt.

This morning I packed the sneakers in the car on my way to work. Moving forward I'll be better prepared. Unfortunately, it may take several days before my foot is up to the next walk.

- ND

Walking the Walk...

Quitting smoking was only the first step.

I began walking at the mall last night as part of a new exercise regimen. (yes... I'm old)

The addition of a fitbit for activity tracking will help me monitor my progress.

Hopefully I'll keep the motivation level high.

- ND

A Monologue or a Soliloquy…

I was thinking…

Is a blog a monologue or a soliloquy?

Can it be both?

Do these posts help you know me… or help me know me?

- ND

When People Stop Caring...

There are times when it becomes obvious that people stop caring about what they are doing.There are little telltales that I notice. Things that while on their own are merely an annoyance, but in the larger picture signal a lack of concern. Here's an example from this morning.

Yes... those are two red coffee swizzle sticks in the drain. Yes... I said TWO!

After moving the wayward swizzle sticks to the trash, I spent a few minutes contemplating a world where people cared enough to pick up their own trash. A world where coffee mugs made it to the dishwasher instead of crowding the sink. A place where people did the right thing without needing to be asked or told.

I will keep hoping for that world.

- ND

Meatloaf...

Tonight's main course is meatloaf. A hearty dinner choice for a frigid winter evening.

I'm a big fan of meatloaf. Bacon may be the candy of meats, but meatloaf is the loaf of meats, and that title has stood the test of time.

The time has come that meatloaf got the credit it deserves. It should be regarded as the finest loaf shaped meat entrée in the universe.

But then... that isn't the story I came here to tell.

A few guests will be joining us this evening. As circumstances would have it, one of tonight's guests has never had meatloaf. I'm sure your reaction was the same as mine... what... wait... how is that possible? As the invitation was sent via text, I replied with "Tell me that is a joke". Which received the following reply, "Nope, Isn't it just a huge hamburger?".

Blasphemy!!!

I'm sure that I could spend hours expounding the differences between meatloaf and hamburgers. But I'll get right to it... hamburgers are great, but they're no meatloaf.

Hamburgers, while delicious, are shifty loaners that can be customized to the whims and taste of their consumer. Hamburgers are for finicky people who want things just so.

Meatloaf is the everyman's meat dish. No snobbery here. Everyone gets the same thing. Love me or leave me, you can almost hear it say.

And love you I do, you lovely bunch of loaf shaped meat goodness.

We shall see if the feeling is shared by the most recent initiate into the cult of loaf.

- ND

How I (Didn't) Remember It...

I have come to an interesting realization after reviewing some of my old posts. How you remember something isn't always exactly how it happened.


If you are familiar with Nabor Dan's Place, then you will remember that in 2007 I quit smoking with the aid of hypnosis. My recollection of that process was that I smoked up to the time of the hypnosis session, and then immediately after had no desire to smoke. I have retold the story numerous times. It always goes something like this...


I went to the appointment. I got hypnotized. I got in my car and drove home. I didn't crave a cigarette for 6 months. I fell off the wagon and became a smoker again because... I like to drink, and have the spine of a jellyfish.


Apparently, reality differs significantly from my altered memories. In looking back at my posts, the break from smoking was not as clean as I remembered. In addition to spending FSA funds on the hypnosis session, I also allocated significant funding to nicotine replacement therapy. There are references made to the purchase of patches, lozenges, and even pharmaceuticals. While I can confirm that I never used the pharmaceuticals,  I can also confirm that the patch and lozenges were acquired and used almost immediately after my session. So I may have quit smoking with the aid of hypnosis, but I was still addicted to and using nicotine.


What I find interesting is that, over time, my memories were tailored to fit a romanticized vision of what transpired. All of the details that didn't nicely fit the narrative fall away, and what was left became the story.


While I'm saddened that the details of my attempt to quit were no longer in my memories, I'm also glad that there was a filter. My belief that hypnosis had worked to cure me 7 years ago kept the hope alive that it could work that magic again. The sanitized memory served as the motivation to give the process another try and, more importantly, that it would work again. It's possible that if I had remembered the experience differently, I would have convinced myself I couldn't do it successfully.


Perhaps our minds work this way for a reason. I'm sure I'm not qualified to answer that supposition. What I know anecdotally, is that the belief that hypnosis would work caused me to attempt it again. My experience this time fits better with my perception of the past than my writing of it years ago.


Whatever the mental mechanics, I am again smoke free. This time it was accomplished without the aids and crutches that apparently I forgot were a part of the experience 7 years ago. I'll be cigarette and nicotine free for 20 days today. I'm glad my mind convinced me that this was possible, and forgot to mention the failures.


Also... congratulations to Missy for the same accomplishment.


- ND

Lazarus and Nabor Dan's Place...

Although there is no proof that Nabor Dan's Place was returned from the dead by the hand of God, it appears to have returned nonetheless. I will leave it to the reader to determine whether this is a miracle or a sign of the apocalypse.


I have decided to revive this space. To rededicate it to the person that I am today. To offer yet another glimpse into my thoughts and my life.


Enter at your own risk.


For anyone who isn't already familiar with Nabor Dan's Place, I'll keep the archive available.


Thanks for reading, and may all of you have a happy 2015.



- ND

Nabor Dan Returns...

I have returned from my week of horse camping with a slew of new content for you. I know I have been remiss in posting over the last couple of months, but I intend on getting lots of new posts out to you over the next several weeks so keep your browsers refreshed and stay tuned...

Here's the first in a series of photos of Nabor Dan and friends from the Big Meadow trip.

On my left is Mike on his horse Raider. I'm riding Pine.

- ND